I don't really know what to say. Three years ago today, I got sick.
This isn't really a celebration, but more of a realization. This is just another day in my life, another milestone, another thing I just have to deal with.
This illness doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am. It affects every aspect of my life, if I want it to or not. And after three years, I still don't know how to feel about it. When people tell me I'm strong, I just thank them, but I don't really see myself that way. I do what I have to do. And so far, I haven't had to do any of this alone. I have support from family, friends, and CML groups.
And now, going into my adult years, I can't even imagine what my future holds for me. I'm terrified, to say the least. For the life of me, I can't help but think of this illness with every choice I make. I can't help but feel like a burden, or worry about money, or health insurance- because these are things that come along with this illness. I'll never be able to get away from them.
But at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am today without this. To be honest, I've grown and changed so much in these past three years. I've been hurt, but it taught me how to love. I've been stupid, but it made me smart. I've been unrealistic, but it made me realistic. I've been to hell and back again, but now- through the pain and the changes and the burden - now I feel like I'm just where I need to be.
I just hope God, who had to have planned this all out, knows what He is doing. Because at this point, I have no idea. I'm at a crossroads- not quite an adult, but no longer a child. And I'm scared.
Three years have gone by, here's to many more.
Love,
Taylor May.
Maylor_Tay on Twitter
tay_may on instagram
Hi, I'm Taylor May.
"Give me a chance to prove I am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts."
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Day in The Life
The other day, a classmate of mine was coughing a whole lot. Like, coughing fits. Like, obviously not healthy.
She got sent to the nurse, and before she left, I just sort of said "Heyyy...if they put you on antibiotics, let me know, because I'll probably have to take them too."
Turns out I have to take antibiotics for whooping cough/bronchitis..even though I don't have it!
Funny how that works out. Because of my surpressed immune system, I can't ever risk exposure to this kind of illness...this is the second time I've had to be medicated for this specific illness. The first time, I hugged a little girl who was diagnosed with it three days after. Freaked my oncologist out a TON. #cancerkidprobs!!
I can laugh about this a little, which I guess is good. It's funny how things work out like this. But its times like these that I remember: I'm sick. Illnesses like this are life threatening to me. It's like a bit of a wake up call, I suppose.
In the meantime, I've been stull juggling what to do about school, and have been working a lot of extra shifts (luckily because the hours they gave me without them are kinda crappy).
I turn 18 on Sunday. Is this real life?
I love you guys. <3
Taylor May
tay_may on instagram
Maylor_Tay on twitter
She got sent to the nurse, and before she left, I just sort of said "Heyyy...if they put you on antibiotics, let me know, because I'll probably have to take them too."
Turns out I have to take antibiotics for whooping cough/bronchitis..even though I don't have it!
Funny how that works out. Because of my surpressed immune system, I can't ever risk exposure to this kind of illness...this is the second time I've had to be medicated for this specific illness. The first time, I hugged a little girl who was diagnosed with it three days after. Freaked my oncologist out a TON. #cancerkidprobs!!
I can laugh about this a little, which I guess is good. It's funny how things work out like this. But its times like these that I remember: I'm sick. Illnesses like this are life threatening to me. It's like a bit of a wake up call, I suppose.
In the meantime, I've been stull juggling what to do about school, and have been working a lot of extra shifts (luckily because the hours they gave me without them are kinda crappy).
I turn 18 on Sunday. Is this real life?
I love you guys. <3
Taylor May
tay_may on instagram
Maylor_Tay on twitter
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Ten Minutes.
This morning, when I was half arguing with my mother about nearly being late for school, she said something that surprised and offended me.
"I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school."
I don't really understand the problem with my quick preparation time. It's true that, without a shower (don't worry, I showered last night guys) it takes approximately ten minutes for me to get ready and out the door in the morning. I put on clothes, I brush my hair, brush my teeth, and I'm done. I don't see who it really affects besides me.
I'm more surprised, in fact, when people say that they take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning. No offense to those of you that do, because you all look very pretty/handsome, but I think that is just as weird of a claim to make as "I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school." I could just as easily say "I can't believe it takes you over ten minutes to get ready for high school."
The other part of that statement that caught me off guard was "for high school." It wouldn't matter if it was high school or junior high, I've never taken that long to get ready for anything, let alone school. But, I'll admit, as the year has gone on, I have lost interest in things like makeup and clothes. That's an expensive hobby to keep! And I would think that mother would be proud of me to not spend money on trivial (at least to me, again, if that's what you like to do then that's awesome!) things. So, I guess if I had unlimited money, or really any extra money at all, I would take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning.
But either way, I was ready this morning when I usually leave for school. And I feel that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.
"I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school."
I don't really understand the problem with my quick preparation time. It's true that, without a shower (don't worry, I showered last night guys) it takes approximately ten minutes for me to get ready and out the door in the morning. I put on clothes, I brush my hair, brush my teeth, and I'm done. I don't see who it really affects besides me.
I'm more surprised, in fact, when people say that they take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning. No offense to those of you that do, because you all look very pretty/handsome, but I think that is just as weird of a claim to make as "I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school." I could just as easily say "I can't believe it takes you over ten minutes to get ready for high school."
The other part of that statement that caught me off guard was "for high school." It wouldn't matter if it was high school or junior high, I've never taken that long to get ready for anything, let alone school. But, I'll admit, as the year has gone on, I have lost interest in things like makeup and clothes. That's an expensive hobby to keep! And I would think that mother would be proud of me to not spend money on trivial (at least to me, again, if that's what you like to do then that's awesome!) things. So, I guess if I had unlimited money, or really any extra money at all, I would take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning.
But either way, I was ready this morning when I usually leave for school. And I feel that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life
On occasion I've been asked, "what's your most embarrassing moment?"
I've never really been able to think of anything, because I am a very weird individual and very confident in this fact. However, that changed this week.
I have this English teacher who is my absolute favorite, who has helped me decide what I'm going to do with my life and realize that words have meaning and power. We have become very close over the past three years of my high school career, because I make him edit my poems all the time, and I am very comfortable with him. In a computer lab at our school (where I spend a lot of my free time), we have two additional laptops instead of two extra computers, because with the addition people in classes on average, we need more computers than our school had budgeted for. *That's an entirely different blog/rant.* But anyway, one of these (surprise surprise) is not fully functioning, and needs to have a mouse attachment, since the touch pad mouse is broken.
My teacher always connects the mouse to the wrong lap top, the non-broken one. Because of this, I came into the lab and saw a post it saying "Mouse is broken" on the lap top. I got all huffy and took the note off of the computer, and marched (basically, and those of you who know me will know that it really could be nothing less) to my teacher's room to tell him that he was incorrect.
"You always put the mouse on the wrong computer!" I exclaimed, without any sort of greeting before.
"It's the black one, right?" he responded.
"No, babe, no it's the silver one..."
I realized what I said, but it was too late. I stammered something else to try and cover my term-of-endearment-slip-up, but it was probably not heard by him over his laughter. He said something else to me, but I was trying my best to stammer other things and just get outta dodge. Honestly, I don't think I could have been more shades, or a darker, color red.
I went back to the lab, and relayed the story to my best friend in the whole wide world, who laughed at me (as I knew she would.) To try and fix things, and be ironic, by writing a small haiku. I titled it, "When a Habit Becomes an Awkward Instance."
That awkward moment
when one calls their teacher "babe"
really is awkward.
I put it on his desk, and pretty much ran away before he could get back with a note on it saying "can you edit this for me? :) "
Later in the day, when I actually had his class, he assured me that everything was fine with a note in a folder from UW-Stevens Point.
I still was, and sort of am, horrified. He must think I'm in love with him. I'm not. I call everyone hon or sweetie or babe or dear, and most of the time, mean nothing by it.
So that's the most embarrassing moment of my life. Thank you for reading the entire thing. and please don't judge me too much.
All in all, this week was better than the last.
Love you,
Taylor May.
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
I've never really been able to think of anything, because I am a very weird individual and very confident in this fact. However, that changed this week.
I have this English teacher who is my absolute favorite, who has helped me decide what I'm going to do with my life and realize that words have meaning and power. We have become very close over the past three years of my high school career, because I make him edit my poems all the time, and I am very comfortable with him. In a computer lab at our school (where I spend a lot of my free time), we have two additional laptops instead of two extra computers, because with the addition people in classes on average, we need more computers than our school had budgeted for. *That's an entirely different blog/rant.* But anyway, one of these (surprise surprise) is not fully functioning, and needs to have a mouse attachment, since the touch pad mouse is broken.
My teacher always connects the mouse to the wrong lap top, the non-broken one. Because of this, I came into the lab and saw a post it saying "Mouse is broken" on the lap top. I got all huffy and took the note off of the computer, and marched (basically, and those of you who know me will know that it really could be nothing less) to my teacher's room to tell him that he was incorrect.
"You always put the mouse on the wrong computer!" I exclaimed, without any sort of greeting before.
"It's the black one, right?" he responded.
"No, babe, no it's the silver one..."
I realized what I said, but it was too late. I stammered something else to try and cover my term-of-endearment-slip-up, but it was probably not heard by him over his laughter. He said something else to me, but I was trying my best to stammer other things and just get outta dodge. Honestly, I don't think I could have been more shades, or a darker, color red.
I went back to the lab, and relayed the story to my best friend in the whole wide world, who laughed at me (as I knew she would.) To try and fix things, and be ironic, by writing a small haiku. I titled it, "When a Habit Becomes an Awkward Instance."
That awkward moment
when one calls their teacher "babe"
really is awkward.
I put it on his desk, and pretty much ran away before he could get back with a note on it saying "can you edit this for me? :) "
Later in the day, when I actually had his class, he assured me that everything was fine with a note in a folder from UW-Stevens Point.
I still was, and sort of am, horrified. He must think I'm in love with him. I'm not. I call everyone hon or sweetie or babe or dear, and most of the time, mean nothing by it.
So that's the most embarrassing moment of my life. Thank you for reading the entire thing. and please don't judge me too much.
All in all, this week was better than the last.
Love you,
Taylor May.
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
Sunday, December 2, 2012
"World Peace."
I remember when I was a little girl, and my godfather was fighting in Iraq, and on my christmas list, the first thing I put was "George to come home," and "world peace."
Even at a young age, I was obsessed with everyone loving one another and getting along. But as I get older, I realize that this is next to impossible. Everything I learn in school, and see on the news, shows me that ignorance and intolerance plauges every country in the world. There is absolutely nothing that can take these things away.
I don't understand why people can't look at this world and realize that, obviously, things aren't working. There is so much hate and killing, and poverty, and I lose sleep at night thinking about all of it. I'm overwhelmed by it.
Imagine how amazing the world would be if people put their energies toward good, all the time, every day. I know that there are some poeple who already do this, and groups who are making a difference in America and elsewhere, and I have so much hope and love for these groups. I wish I could do what they do.
But I think what amazes me the most is the apathy that we show as a country toward other countries problems. I just got done watching an hour long video on the attacks in Mumbai, India in 2008. That was a horrifying incident, but it's only one example of the horrible things happening in other places in the world. Every day, there are people murdered, sold into slavery, starving to death, persecuted, executed, with nothing. It makes me sick. But those things, for whatever reason, don't make the news. Instead all I see are pointless stories in the headlines, and supid puff-pieces on the morning news. What about human nature makes us so self centered like this? What is it that makes us so ignorant?
No, human nature does not make us ignorant. Ignorance and intolerance are rooted in hate, which is a learned practice. My children will not be taught hate. They will accept everyone, like family. No matter their race, sexual orientation, whatever.
This turned into a rant, but I guess what I'm trying to say is the only way world peace could ever tuly be possible is if we do something to change it. It could start small- the way we treat one another, for example. If we love, it can make a difference.
So please, I beg you, love one another.
Taylor May
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
Even at a young age, I was obsessed with everyone loving one another and getting along. But as I get older, I realize that this is next to impossible. Everything I learn in school, and see on the news, shows me that ignorance and intolerance plauges every country in the world. There is absolutely nothing that can take these things away.
I don't understand why people can't look at this world and realize that, obviously, things aren't working. There is so much hate and killing, and poverty, and I lose sleep at night thinking about all of it. I'm overwhelmed by it.
Imagine how amazing the world would be if people put their energies toward good, all the time, every day. I know that there are some poeple who already do this, and groups who are making a difference in America and elsewhere, and I have so much hope and love for these groups. I wish I could do what they do.
But I think what amazes me the most is the apathy that we show as a country toward other countries problems. I just got done watching an hour long video on the attacks in Mumbai, India in 2008. That was a horrifying incident, but it's only one example of the horrible things happening in other places in the world. Every day, there are people murdered, sold into slavery, starving to death, persecuted, executed, with nothing. It makes me sick. But those things, for whatever reason, don't make the news. Instead all I see are pointless stories in the headlines, and supid puff-pieces on the morning news. What about human nature makes us so self centered like this? What is it that makes us so ignorant?
No, human nature does not make us ignorant. Ignorance and intolerance are rooted in hate, which is a learned practice. My children will not be taught hate. They will accept everyone, like family. No matter their race, sexual orientation, whatever.
This turned into a rant, but I guess what I'm trying to say is the only way world peace could ever tuly be possible is if we do something to change it. It could start small- the way we treat one another, for example. If we love, it can make a difference.
So please, I beg you, love one another.
Taylor May
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
Friday, November 30, 2012
I Know Where I'm Going, It's Just Getting There.
for the last three years of my life, I've been absolutely certain what I want to be when I get out of college. I want to teach English. I'm sure most of you know this already because I talk abut it constantly.
To get to this point in my life, I've had to compromise a lot. I've grown away from the Arts, focused more on writing and English. I thought that had to be the end of my tough desicions! I was incorrect.
Because then came the issue of what college to go to. I thought I had that all figured out, but then my mother brought up the option of me staying home for the first two years and going to the extension school in town. My first reaction was no friggen way. I wanted out of thi stupid town as soon as possible. But then, after looking at my financial means, I thought that it was stupid to even think about going to a four year college right off the bat. I contemplated for weeks, and it wasn't until after I had spent over 88 dollars on other college applications and sending in my transcripts that I caved and convinced myself that transfering after two years was the most logical thing to do.
But now, after all this convincing, this wonderful blessing and curse has come from one of the schools I applied to, he school I intended to transfer to after two years. I was invited to a writing conference there, and I was given a scholarship for the poetry I wrote and submitted. I am not complaining about this at all!! I am beyond overjoyed, and so honnored, and so thankful..but now I've got a four year college in my brain again.
I want to go to this school. The biggest thing I'm worried about is the financial side of this..when I get out of school, I don't want to be up to my eyeballs in loans when I already have an insane amount of medical bills to be thinking about. I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing and my head says another. After I had to convince myself to do the opposite of what I wanted, I don't know if I can convince myself the original thing again!
I just don't know. I can't stop thinking about this. I know I'll get more fincial aid and scholarships, and grants, but I don't know how much, and I won't for at least a month. I just don't know.
I know exactly where I'm going. It's just how I'm going to get there that I don't have a clue about right now.
Well, I love you.
Taylor May
Maylor_Tay on Twitter
tay_may on instagram
To get to this point in my life, I've had to compromise a lot. I've grown away from the Arts, focused more on writing and English. I thought that had to be the end of my tough desicions! I was incorrect.
Because then came the issue of what college to go to. I thought I had that all figured out, but then my mother brought up the option of me staying home for the first two years and going to the extension school in town. My first reaction was no friggen way. I wanted out of thi stupid town as soon as possible. But then, after looking at my financial means, I thought that it was stupid to even think about going to a four year college right off the bat. I contemplated for weeks, and it wasn't until after I had spent over 88 dollars on other college applications and sending in my transcripts that I caved and convinced myself that transfering after two years was the most logical thing to do.
But now, after all this convincing, this wonderful blessing and curse has come from one of the schools I applied to, he school I intended to transfer to after two years. I was invited to a writing conference there, and I was given a scholarship for the poetry I wrote and submitted. I am not complaining about this at all!! I am beyond overjoyed, and so honnored, and so thankful..but now I've got a four year college in my brain again.
I want to go to this school. The biggest thing I'm worried about is the financial side of this..when I get out of school, I don't want to be up to my eyeballs in loans when I already have an insane amount of medical bills to be thinking about. I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing and my head says another. After I had to convince myself to do the opposite of what I wanted, I don't know if I can convince myself the original thing again!
I just don't know. I can't stop thinking about this. I know I'll get more fincial aid and scholarships, and grants, but I don't know how much, and I won't for at least a month. I just don't know.
I know exactly where I'm going. It's just how I'm going to get there that I don't have a clue about right now.
Well, I love you.
Taylor May
Maylor_Tay on Twitter
tay_may on instagram
Friday, November 23, 2012
One Year Ago Today.
It's amazing how much things can change in a year. I feel like I've grown up a lot in the last 12 months. A girl messaged me recently asking for someone who would just listen, and I couldn't help but see myself in the messages she sent me. It got me all nostalgic.
I keep trying to imagine everything I thought was a big deal this time last year. A lot of it has to do with stupid boys, and high school stuff, and now all of that just seems so trivial.
I think the most amazing things about life is hindsight.
I actually hate the phrase, "hindsight is always 20/20." I don't know if it's because it sounds pretentious as hell, or because it's one of the truest sentences there is. Usually the next words after this are "if I knew then what I do now..." I think about that kinda of stuff a lot lately. I can't tell you why, I just do. I think things like this, to name a few:
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd forget him sooner.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd say some things get better, the things stay the exact same were meant to.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd say the future is as scary as I thought.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd take the little stuff less seriously and just enjoy them.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd love deeper and stronger, because it's harder to regret that way.
But the truth is, if I knew then what I do now, I wouldn't be who I am right now.
I wouldn't know what it's like to wallow (for probably not long enough) about heart ache,
I wouldn't know what it's like to crush on the right boy without knowing it,
I wouldn't know how strong I can actually be,
I wouldn't know that my parinoia about the future was kind of nessacary,
I wouldn't know that my little breakdowns weren't all that nessacary,
I wouldn't know that love leads to understanding
and I wouldn't be able to help the girls who come to me and ask me for help. I wouldn't be able to say "I've been there sweetie, and I promise you, it does get better."
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and spending time with my family and my boyfriend's was really nice, and helped me remember everything I have been blessed with. Hindsight is always 20/20, but without the unforeseen things, life wouldn't be worth living.
I love you. :) And I'm always here.
Awkwardly signing off;
Taylor May.
Twitter: Maylor_Tay
KIK: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
I keep trying to imagine everything I thought was a big deal this time last year. A lot of it has to do with stupid boys, and high school stuff, and now all of that just seems so trivial.
I think the most amazing things about life is hindsight.
I actually hate the phrase, "hindsight is always 20/20." I don't know if it's because it sounds pretentious as hell, or because it's one of the truest sentences there is. Usually the next words after this are "if I knew then what I do now..." I think about that kinda of stuff a lot lately. I can't tell you why, I just do. I think things like this, to name a few:
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd forget him sooner.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd say some things get better, the things stay the exact same were meant to.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd say the future is as scary as I thought.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd take the little stuff less seriously and just enjoy them.
If I knew one year ago what I do now, I'd love deeper and stronger, because it's harder to regret that way.
But the truth is, if I knew then what I do now, I wouldn't be who I am right now.
I wouldn't know what it's like to wallow (for probably not long enough) about heart ache,
I wouldn't know what it's like to crush on the right boy without knowing it,
I wouldn't know how strong I can actually be,
I wouldn't know that my parinoia about the future was kind of nessacary,
I wouldn't know that my little breakdowns weren't all that nessacary,
I wouldn't know that love leads to understanding
and I wouldn't be able to help the girls who come to me and ask me for help. I wouldn't be able to say "I've been there sweetie, and I promise you, it does get better."
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and spending time with my family and my boyfriend's was really nice, and helped me remember everything I have been blessed with. Hindsight is always 20/20, but without the unforeseen things, life wouldn't be worth living.
I love you. :) And I'm always here.
Awkwardly signing off;
Taylor May.
Twitter: Maylor_Tay
KIK: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Hey, So, I Miss You.
Have any of you ever tried to pull away from something? To let go of something you loved more than anything?
Forgive my very elementary-school-esque start to a very childish essay, but I want to whine for a second.
I miss performing. It's been a little over a week and a half since my senior show, and I'm already withdrawling...I want to sing again. For people. And I don't mean just musicals. I was in a band once. Haha it sounds so silly, but some of you know this already...I was in a Christian rock band, it was pretty much just local, and we made a CD...but I had to leave because I wanted to focus on school and work and stuff this year. But it hurts so much! That's the only way I can describe it. I miss my time on stage with them a lot, a lot, a lot.
I'm such a baby. I want to go back in time.
Well, it's nearly thanksgiving. I love thanksgiving. It's moe about family and awesome food than anything. :)
Anyway, just a little rant.
((Hey, you. So uh...Just saying, hey, so uh, I miss you.))
Muwah.
Taylor May.
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
Forgive my very elementary-school-esque start to a very childish essay, but I want to whine for a second.
I miss performing. It's been a little over a week and a half since my senior show, and I'm already withdrawling...I want to sing again. For people. And I don't mean just musicals. I was in a band once. Haha it sounds so silly, but some of you know this already...I was in a Christian rock band, it was pretty much just local, and we made a CD...but I had to leave because I wanted to focus on school and work and stuff this year. But it hurts so much! That's the only way I can describe it. I miss my time on stage with them a lot, a lot, a lot.
I'm such a baby. I want to go back in time.
Well, it's nearly thanksgiving. I love thanksgiving. It's moe about family and awesome food than anything. :)
Anyway, just a little rant.
((Hey, you. So uh...Just saying, hey, so uh, I miss you.))
Muwah.
Taylor May.
Maylor_Tay on twitter
tay_may on instagram
Friday, November 16, 2012
My Late Night Thoughts.
Hiya!
Just another random blog post.
First topic I want to adress: so hostess went out of business today. I think that's insane, from what I heard of the issue (from my math teacher, so feel free to correct me, hahaha) it was weird and rash, and just another example of stubborness making no sense. Someone please tell me more or prove me wrong. But what I think is weirder than that it closed was the news covereage it got, and the upset it caused. This makes me wonder, as I do a lot, about what we see as news worthy in America. I once saw a news story on whether or not Kate Middleton (is that her name?) wore nylons on her wedding day. I sat in awe in front of the television, just thinking...we have soilders in another country. Dying for our freedoms. And this is on the news. Even that, looking outside of America, (and in it, I know) there is so much poverty and pain. I feel like it goes unrecognized. Every day I wish I could do something for the people who have to worse than me. And when I see things on the news about Twinkies not being around anymore...I just get so confused.
But I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, or sound like I'm better than anyone or anything. If you're upset about twinkies, I understand. They're friggen great! But I promise, Little Debbie makes Cloud Cakes, and they're pretty good, too. :)
Rifle hunting season opens this weekend, which means I am sans-boyfriend. I worry like crazy when he goes out there any time. I just happened to pick a boy who loves to do dangerous things. like hunting and dirtbiking, and snowmobiling, and out of doors things...and it's all good, because I know he's super safe, but I still can't help but worry about him coming home! It's just part of my nature I guess.
Tonight I had my first sewing experience. That was fun. I'm not very good at it just yet, but hopefully I'll get better. :P
Hmmm...I think that's all that mattered to me tonight. My brain is all scattered since Aaron's gone. And it's nearly midnight.
Well, I love you!! Awkwardly signing off as always,
Taylor May.
Check out my first of (hopefully) many blogs for Introspect Arts! http://www.introspectarts.org/blog/what_introspect_means_to_me_11_14_2012/
Twitter: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
snapchat: Maylor_Tay
KIK: Maylor_Tay
Muwah!
Just another random blog post.
First topic I want to adress: so hostess went out of business today. I think that's insane, from what I heard of the issue (from my math teacher, so feel free to correct me, hahaha) it was weird and rash, and just another example of stubborness making no sense. Someone please tell me more or prove me wrong. But what I think is weirder than that it closed was the news covereage it got, and the upset it caused. This makes me wonder, as I do a lot, about what we see as news worthy in America. I once saw a news story on whether or not Kate Middleton (is that her name?) wore nylons on her wedding day. I sat in awe in front of the television, just thinking...we have soilders in another country. Dying for our freedoms. And this is on the news. Even that, looking outside of America, (and in it, I know) there is so much poverty and pain. I feel like it goes unrecognized. Every day I wish I could do something for the people who have to worse than me. And when I see things on the news about Twinkies not being around anymore...I just get so confused.
But I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, or sound like I'm better than anyone or anything. If you're upset about twinkies, I understand. They're friggen great! But I promise, Little Debbie makes Cloud Cakes, and they're pretty good, too. :)
Rifle hunting season opens this weekend, which means I am sans-boyfriend. I worry like crazy when he goes out there any time. I just happened to pick a boy who loves to do dangerous things. like hunting and dirtbiking, and snowmobiling, and out of doors things...and it's all good, because I know he's super safe, but I still can't help but worry about him coming home! It's just part of my nature I guess.
Tonight I had my first sewing experience. That was fun. I'm not very good at it just yet, but hopefully I'll get better. :P
Hmmm...I think that's all that mattered to me tonight. My brain is all scattered since Aaron's gone. And it's nearly midnight.
Well, I love you!! Awkwardly signing off as always,
Taylor May.
Check out my first of (hopefully) many blogs for Introspect Arts! http://www.introspectarts.org/blog/what_introspect_means_to_me_11_14_2012/
Twitter: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
snapchat: Maylor_Tay
KIK: Maylor_Tay
Muwah!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
"Some days are gonna be crappsy."
"Some days are gonna be crappsy."
The exact words from the voicemail I just got from my very wonderful boyfriend.
He's right!
The musical just ended, meaning pretty much any of my involvment with musicals just ended (atleast until Introspect this summer) and I am at my wits end. I'm sick of being sick. And I have moods like this, where everything feels wrongand I just need to complain, but I know that it doesn't solve anything.
Like right now. I should be doing some homework. Instead, I'm piss-ily writing this blog post.
The musical's over. My car's broken, again. I'm sick, besides the cancer. I feel "crappsy" as Aaron put it. I hate school. I keep getting upset at the smallest things. I feel like everything I do I hit a wall.
And I should be counting my blessings! Instead I get so upset like this.
Self destruction, I tell ya. Self poison. I am totally aware of my problems, and I know that I should fix them (most of them, like the school one, which is touch and go) but I focus so hard on my own flaws and the things that are out of my control that I just get pissed like this.
So yeah. Some things are crappsy.
Screw this.
Having a meltdown, seems like for the hundreth time,
Taylor May.
tay_may on instagram.
Maylor_Tay on twitter.
Maylor_Tay on snapchat.
Maylor_Tay on KIK.
The exact words from the voicemail I just got from my very wonderful boyfriend.
He's right!
The musical just ended, meaning pretty much any of my involvment with musicals just ended (atleast until Introspect this summer) and I am at my wits end. I'm sick of being sick. And I have moods like this, where everything feels wrongand I just need to complain, but I know that it doesn't solve anything.
Like right now. I should be doing some homework. Instead, I'm piss-ily writing this blog post.
The musical's over. My car's broken, again. I'm sick, besides the cancer. I feel "crappsy" as Aaron put it. I hate school. I keep getting upset at the smallest things. I feel like everything I do I hit a wall.
And I should be counting my blessings! Instead I get so upset like this.
Self destruction, I tell ya. Self poison. I am totally aware of my problems, and I know that I should fix them (most of them, like the school one, which is touch and go) but I focus so hard on my own flaws and the things that are out of my control that I just get pissed like this.
So yeah. Some things are crappsy.
Screw this.
Having a meltdown, seems like for the hundreth time,
Taylor May.
tay_may on instagram.
Maylor_Tay on twitter.
Maylor_Tay on snapchat.
Maylor_Tay on KIK.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
One Month Later.
Hello again.
I assure you, I didn't die. I just let this stupid school thing get to me, along with everything else.
October was not a very good month for me. I was mean, negative, I felt sick, I didn't care about anything, my grades fell from mediocre to worse, and the worst part about it was I didn't really seem to give a sh*t.
But then I had a wake up call. A boy, my boyfriend's cousin, actually, asked me to edit his essay. To put it tactfully, there was a lot of work that could be done. It took me all of five minutes to realize this, and that I had to tell him this in a tactful way as well.
I remebered that not everyone loves writing as much as I do. I remembered that English is hard. I remembered that writing is hard.
And then, after I took notes and made edits on my copy of the essay, it wasn't long before I got to actually talk to the boy who wrote it. But, instead of right away telling him everything he did wrong, I asked him about the assignment, and what he was trying to say. He told me everything better than he portrayed it in the essay, but I tried to steer him in the right way, and help him to make better sense of his ideas.
I did that and I felt so good about it. I helped someone else with English. I felt this new type of happy, one I never got from singing or performing in general. It was a warm feeling, starting right in my core and spreading, and I smiled.
I need to care. I need to try. I need to teach.
So, my goal this November is to restart my motivation, be positive for everyone around me, and do what I can. Oh, and keep up on my blog a little better. ;)
All of my love. <3
Taylor May.
twitter: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
I assure you, I didn't die. I just let this stupid school thing get to me, along with everything else.
October was not a very good month for me. I was mean, negative, I felt sick, I didn't care about anything, my grades fell from mediocre to worse, and the worst part about it was I didn't really seem to give a sh*t.
But then I had a wake up call. A boy, my boyfriend's cousin, actually, asked me to edit his essay. To put it tactfully, there was a lot of work that could be done. It took me all of five minutes to realize this, and that I had to tell him this in a tactful way as well.
I remebered that not everyone loves writing as much as I do. I remembered that English is hard. I remembered that writing is hard.
And then, after I took notes and made edits on my copy of the essay, it wasn't long before I got to actually talk to the boy who wrote it. But, instead of right away telling him everything he did wrong, I asked him about the assignment, and what he was trying to say. He told me everything better than he portrayed it in the essay, but I tried to steer him in the right way, and help him to make better sense of his ideas.
I did that and I felt so good about it. I helped someone else with English. I felt this new type of happy, one I never got from singing or performing in general. It was a warm feeling, starting right in my core and spreading, and I smiled.
I need to care. I need to try. I need to teach.
So, my goal this November is to restart my motivation, be positive for everyone around me, and do what I can. Oh, and keep up on my blog a little better. ;)
All of my love. <3
Taylor May.
twitter: Maylor_Tay
instagram: tay_may
Sunday, September 30, 2012
When September Ends
I started this year with a new found motivation. And this new found motivation is slowly fading to this dull feeling of apathy.
I honestly need more time in the day to do all the things I need to/want to. As much as I love being in the show, it's really adding a lot of stress at the moment, because I have to go straight to work after rehearsal most nights, and then I work until ten, and I get home and stay up until all my homework is done. And that's usually pretty late.
I know I'll get through it though, it's just these few months that are going to be tough. But there's another show that I can try out for coming up. Audition dates are literally three days after we close. At this point, I don't think I'd be able to do it. Do I want to? Of course. But with my health the way it is, and the fact that my grades are really important to me this year, I don't think I can have this hectic of a schedule for another three months after this show is over.
This month was a bunch of lasts all strung together. The start of my last year of highschool, the audition and the start of my last highschool musical, and my last homecoming week of highschool. It's all a little bittersweet, but emphasis on the sweet. I honestly wake up every day and think of how amazing it will be when June is finally here. But it's still frightening, because of the uncertainty of my future. I try to just take it one day at a time (and those of you who know me know how tough that is for me.)
In other news, I'm going to be starting a vlog soon on youtube. :) I'm going to be talking about life with a chronic illness, and how to stay positive in a time of crisis, with bits about my life in it too. I'm really excited about it, so I hope if you read my blog you'll watch it! right now I just have some videos of me singing on my Youtube account, but I'll link it at the end anyway. :)
Thanks fo reading! Lots of love.
Taylor May <3
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram
http://www.youtube.com/user/TMaylor?feature=mhee
I honestly need more time in the day to do all the things I need to/want to. As much as I love being in the show, it's really adding a lot of stress at the moment, because I have to go straight to work after rehearsal most nights, and then I work until ten, and I get home and stay up until all my homework is done. And that's usually pretty late.
I know I'll get through it though, it's just these few months that are going to be tough. But there's another show that I can try out for coming up. Audition dates are literally three days after we close. At this point, I don't think I'd be able to do it. Do I want to? Of course. But with my health the way it is, and the fact that my grades are really important to me this year, I don't think I can have this hectic of a schedule for another three months after this show is over.
This month was a bunch of lasts all strung together. The start of my last year of highschool, the audition and the start of my last highschool musical, and my last homecoming week of highschool. It's all a little bittersweet, but emphasis on the sweet. I honestly wake up every day and think of how amazing it will be when June is finally here. But it's still frightening, because of the uncertainty of my future. I try to just take it one day at a time (and those of you who know me know how tough that is for me.)
In other news, I'm going to be starting a vlog soon on youtube. :) I'm going to be talking about life with a chronic illness, and how to stay positive in a time of crisis, with bits about my life in it too. I'm really excited about it, so I hope if you read my blog you'll watch it! right now I just have some videos of me singing on my Youtube account, but I'll link it at the end anyway. :)
Thanks fo reading! Lots of love.
Taylor May <3
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram
http://www.youtube.com/user/TMaylor?feature=mhee
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Chronic.
For the record, this one could get a little nasty, please know that I'm not mad at anyone, but at the situation I've been put in.
And that I am still trying to be positive when it comes down to it, I just need to rant for a second.
Okay, here we go.
If you want to judge me, go ahead, but you have no idea how hard I try. Some people say that what I'm going through really isn't that big of a deal, and I do try to make it seem that way. I don't want to make people feel sorry for me and I don't want to be defined by my illness. Every day I do my best to get up and put a smile on my face, and be strong for myself and for the people who care about me.
But today, I realized that no matter how strong I am, no matter how positive I am- though it makes things a little easier sometimes- I'll never be free from my disease. We talked to a Bone Marrow Transplant specialist today at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, and he filled in the details I was fuzzy about with a transplant. Was I expecting it to be an easy fix? No. Don't get me wrong, I know full well that any type of transplant is no walk in the park, but I thought maybe it could be something concrete. Instead, I'm told there is a very high chance that I would end up with a different, vicious chronic illness, called GVHD, or Graft Vs Host Disease, or that I wouldn't make it through the transplant.
And these things were things I knew, too. But it just hit me today what this actually means. Why would I chance going through that entire ordeal just to be stuck back in the same situation, with a disease I can't get rid of for the rest of forever? When, lets be honest, as long as the pills are working I should be fine.
That's what I'm told at least. But what no one can tell me is what these medications, usually given to adults, considering this is an adult disease, are going to do to me in the long run. Medical science hasn't gotten that far yet. So that's no fun. Well, that, and the fact that they're so expensive, pretty much no Pharmacy wants to carry them. We have to get them sent to us special from the Children's Pharmacy or something like that. How the hell am I going to pay for this medication when I'm on my own? Most people who get this are in thier fifties and sixties, with thier lives all planned already and set into motion, with familes already, careers already. I don't have that luxury.
And I understand that no one has control over their lives, and that we're all subject to fate or God's plan for us, or whatever, but I still sit here and think about the fact that I don't even know where I'll be in a yar, let alone five, and I can't do anything about it, and I didn't do anything for my life to be this way. And I know it's not fair, and that no one's life is. But COME on. This is all so overwhelming right now, I can't breathe sometimes.
And I try so hard not to show it, because I really don't want people to feel bad for me, or compare their struggles to mine. Because we all are going through something. But I hear such stupid bullshit, and rumors about what people have said about me in the past, and I just can't stand it. All I want to do is love people. I don't want sympathy, or for this disease to be the first thing people think of when they see me.
All I want is the answers no one can give me. But, for now, I guess I'll just sit and take in the fact that chronic is pretty much the same thing as forever and ever.
Screw this.
I love you. I'm sorry.
Taylor May.
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram
And that I am still trying to be positive when it comes down to it, I just need to rant for a second.
Okay, here we go.
If you want to judge me, go ahead, but you have no idea how hard I try. Some people say that what I'm going through really isn't that big of a deal, and I do try to make it seem that way. I don't want to make people feel sorry for me and I don't want to be defined by my illness. Every day I do my best to get up and put a smile on my face, and be strong for myself and for the people who care about me.
But today, I realized that no matter how strong I am, no matter how positive I am- though it makes things a little easier sometimes- I'll never be free from my disease. We talked to a Bone Marrow Transplant specialist today at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, and he filled in the details I was fuzzy about with a transplant. Was I expecting it to be an easy fix? No. Don't get me wrong, I know full well that any type of transplant is no walk in the park, but I thought maybe it could be something concrete. Instead, I'm told there is a very high chance that I would end up with a different, vicious chronic illness, called GVHD, or Graft Vs Host Disease, or that I wouldn't make it through the transplant.
And these things were things I knew, too. But it just hit me today what this actually means. Why would I chance going through that entire ordeal just to be stuck back in the same situation, with a disease I can't get rid of for the rest of forever? When, lets be honest, as long as the pills are working I should be fine.
That's what I'm told at least. But what no one can tell me is what these medications, usually given to adults, considering this is an adult disease, are going to do to me in the long run. Medical science hasn't gotten that far yet. So that's no fun. Well, that, and the fact that they're so expensive, pretty much no Pharmacy wants to carry them. We have to get them sent to us special from the Children's Pharmacy or something like that. How the hell am I going to pay for this medication when I'm on my own? Most people who get this are in thier fifties and sixties, with thier lives all planned already and set into motion, with familes already, careers already. I don't have that luxury.
And I understand that no one has control over their lives, and that we're all subject to fate or God's plan for us, or whatever, but I still sit here and think about the fact that I don't even know where I'll be in a yar, let alone five, and I can't do anything about it, and I didn't do anything for my life to be this way. And I know it's not fair, and that no one's life is. But COME on. This is all so overwhelming right now, I can't breathe sometimes.
And I try so hard not to show it, because I really don't want people to feel bad for me, or compare their struggles to mine. Because we all are going through something. But I hear such stupid bullshit, and rumors about what people have said about me in the past, and I just can't stand it. All I want to do is love people. I don't want sympathy, or for this disease to be the first thing people think of when they see me.
All I want is the answers no one can give me. But, for now, I guess I'll just sit and take in the fact that chronic is pretty much the same thing as forever and ever.
Screw this.
I love you. I'm sorry.
Taylor May.
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram
Friday, September 21, 2012
Spoke Too Soon?
So, school doesn't suck persay.
But it is starting to get very stressful to be in a show, and have a job, and have a senior amount of homework...I'm learning how to manage my time. and function on little sleep, and I feel like a grown up and everything. Hurrah.
Now onto my freak out of the week: tomorrow I'm applying for college. I'm excited to do it, because it means so much is going to happen for me, and I'm pumped to be an adult...but I don't have a lot of money. My parents aren't going to be able to help me out much, either. And I know for a fact that I can save a lot, LOT of money if I spend my first two years at a the UW Marathon County extension. But there's part of me that is just so put off to the idea of living here for two more years...I just want new, new people, new place, new everything. But that in itself is a terrifying thought at the same time. I can't imagine getting settled in and all this new freedom hitting me harder than I expected, but I do want independence.
Let's be honest, I'm going to end up having to spend two years here. Because that's how my life usually works. I get all excited for somehing and I end up having to do it the opposite way for a while before I get to what I actually want. And sorry to be a little negative, but that kinds sucks a hell of a lot.
I dunno, I'm also going to look into what scholarships, if any, I can get as a student with a chronic illness. I'm praying a lot. we'll see though, and I'll keep you guys posted.
All right that's about all I got to bitch about tonight, sorry this one's kinda angry and negative. Lovelove. <3
Awkwardly signing off:
TayMay.
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter,
@tay_may on instagram. :)
But it is starting to get very stressful to be in a show, and have a job, and have a senior amount of homework...I'm learning how to manage my time. and function on little sleep, and I feel like a grown up and everything. Hurrah.
Now onto my freak out of the week: tomorrow I'm applying for college. I'm excited to do it, because it means so much is going to happen for me, and I'm pumped to be an adult...but I don't have a lot of money. My parents aren't going to be able to help me out much, either. And I know for a fact that I can save a lot, LOT of money if I spend my first two years at a the UW Marathon County extension. But there's part of me that is just so put off to the idea of living here for two more years...I just want new, new people, new place, new everything. But that in itself is a terrifying thought at the same time. I can't imagine getting settled in and all this new freedom hitting me harder than I expected, but I do want independence.
Let's be honest, I'm going to end up having to spend two years here. Because that's how my life usually works. I get all excited for somehing and I end up having to do it the opposite way for a while before I get to what I actually want. And sorry to be a little negative, but that kinds sucks a hell of a lot.
I dunno, I'm also going to look into what scholarships, if any, I can get as a student with a chronic illness. I'm praying a lot. we'll see though, and I'll keep you guys posted.
All right that's about all I got to bitch about tonight, sorry this one's kinda angry and negative. Lovelove. <3
Awkwardly signing off:
TayMay.
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter,
@tay_may on instagram. :)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
School Doesn't Suck.
"Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does."
--Ben Folds Five, Still Fighting It.
School is going surprisingly well. I just got back a little bit ago from callbacks for my senior musical. My school is doing Children of Eden. I'm anxious to see the castlist, and so me and some of my senior friends are waking up mega early to wait for it to be posted...I'm probably going to hate myself tomorrow I'll be so tired, but ohh well I suppose. It is my last show, after all.
But my classes aren't very challenging, I have time to actually get my homework done, I'm getting some pretty decent hours at work, too. Instead of getting a second job after I turn 18, I'm going to double up at IGA and do both stocking and cashiering. This way I can get double the hours at the same place, as opposed to getting less hours at IGA to get some hours somewhere else...could I have said "hours" enough in that sentence... no. Hours.
I am tired today. I might have jinxed the new meds or something by being so excited about the way I was feeling, because this week has been pretty tough again. But I'm powering through. Smiles, everyone!
Well, that's about all. read my last post for a little poem-y poem. <3
Love, Taylor May. <3
@Maylor_Tay:Twitter
@tay_may:Instagram.
--Ben Folds Five, Still Fighting It.
School is going surprisingly well. I just got back a little bit ago from callbacks for my senior musical. My school is doing Children of Eden. I'm anxious to see the castlist, and so me and some of my senior friends are waking up mega early to wait for it to be posted...I'm probably going to hate myself tomorrow I'll be so tired, but ohh well I suppose. It is my last show, after all.
But my classes aren't very challenging, I have time to actually get my homework done, I'm getting some pretty decent hours at work, too. Instead of getting a second job after I turn 18, I'm going to double up at IGA and do both stocking and cashiering. This way I can get double the hours at the same place, as opposed to getting less hours at IGA to get some hours somewhere else...could I have said "hours" enough in that sentence... no. Hours.
I am tired today. I might have jinxed the new meds or something by being so excited about the way I was feeling, because this week has been pretty tough again. But I'm powering through. Smiles, everyone!
Well, that's about all. read my last post for a little poem-y poem. <3
Love, Taylor May. <3
@Maylor_Tay:Twitter
@tay_may:Instagram.
Poem post #2.
Enjoy. :)
---
My Way
I was the kid to always try
to shove the square peg into the round hole.
Forcing plastic on plastic, where it just wouldn’t fit.
And I knew full well that square
went with square
and that the stupid toy wouldn’t fit.
But still I threw a tantrum,
and likewise, the toy,
after I tried it “my way” for a while.
I made every effort to do it the wrong way,
working around what I knew had to be done.
Getting upset when I found the right way
was truly the only way.
the obvious way
was the way that worked.
Wouldn’t it have been easier
to just put circle with circle,
and square with square?
A teacher told me once, “to avoid frustration is to avoid learning.”
Another told me
“Insanity is when you do the same thing
over and over again
and expect a different result.”
---
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Who Am I?
I had to write an essay about who I am as a writer, and this is draft one of that.
Let me know what you think!
<3 TayMay.
--
I realized then that you can write essays outside of school assignments, poems don’t have to rhyme, raw feelings are the best kind, poems can have drafts, and there is absolutely no shame in only having one useable line after drafting that poem a dozen or more times.
But, who am I as a writer? I write because I’m a coward. Because it’s easier to write something down and say it doesn’t mean anything, than it is to say it out loud knowing it means everything. I write because it comes easier to me than sports. I write because I think metaphors are the coolest ever. I write because I love how a word can mean different things to different people, and I write because those feelings, meanings, and overall perspectives should be shared.
--
Thanks for reading this far! Haha follow @Maylor_Tay on twitter if you want. Love love. :) <3
Let me know what you think!
<3 TayMay.
--
Hi, I’m Taylor May, I’m a Writer and I’m Going to Tell You Who I Am as a Writer; Synonymical With Nerd
I’ve always been fascinated by words, and the feelings that can lie behind them. I love that words can be manipulated and tamed into free flowing, thought provoking, and possibly world altering ideas that can spark something so fantastic, that the whole world takes notice.
In other words, I’m a nerd. A huge one. I didn’t realize truly how amazing writing was until I read through some of the work of my late grandmother. Her words are so powerful, and so meaningful, and so amazing, that it inspired me to try it out for myself. I’ve been writing terrible poems since about seventh grade, using it as a way to vent all my prepubescent “deep” thoughts. I rarely if ever showed these to anyone, until sophomore year when I was told about the LitMag. I reluctantly submitted my work, which looking back on it, I can’t believe any of it got in. However, it did, and it was after this that I started honing my skill every day of the second semester in the composium, editing poems and essays with Mr. Cepress.I realized then that you can write essays outside of school assignments, poems don’t have to rhyme, raw feelings are the best kind, poems can have drafts, and there is absolutely no shame in only having one useable line after drafting that poem a dozen or more times.
But, who am I as a writer? I write because I’m a coward. Because it’s easier to write something down and say it doesn’t mean anything, than it is to say it out loud knowing it means everything. I write because it comes easier to me than sports. I write because I think metaphors are the coolest ever. I write because I love how a word can mean different things to different people, and I write because those feelings, meanings, and overall perspectives should be shared.
As a writer, I feel my biggest strength is finding inspiration in literally everything. Writing has helped me to open my eyes and actually see things around me that I never would have before. The world is really a beautiful thing when eyes are open and mouths are shut, I’ve come to find. But those mouths can’t stay shut, and that’s where writing is pretty handy.
But not every poem has come easily to me. As I said, there are times when I have more drafts than I ever imagined before something is any good. It may be because of this, and my want to be respected as a writer, that I constantly beat myself up about my ability. I want to get better, and I know this will only come through practice. But, this practice time comes with getting stuck on things; examples of this would be not being able to find the perfect metaphor to describe a feeling, or word something the way I want to.
All in all, though, it’s hard for me to answer “who are you as a writer?” because the answer lies in the question. I just am a writer. Which, as I’m sure you all know, is a word synonymical with nerd.--
Thanks for reading this far! Haha follow @Maylor_Tay on twitter if you want. Love love. :) <3
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Update of Updates.
Oh hey guys.
So today school didn't kill me. :P I don't have actual classes til tomorrow, but I'm not all too worried at the moment. My class is getting crazy involved in Homecoming, we're really hoping to win for the third year in a row!! Three-peat!! :))
Quick update on the new meds as well!
Gonna admit, the first few weeks were really rough. But it's almost been a month already, and the side effects are really starting to be more manageable. The only thing I have that I could really complian about (besides the usual aches and pains) is this head-splitting migraine that's nearly constant. But I can handle it for the most part now, and it only gets really bad around an hour after I take my pills!
So, I'm excited for that. :) I have an appointment in a few weeks to check on how my numbers are, so I suppose that will be the actual update of updates. So this was a teaser! OOOO!!
But actually. Haha.
On a different note, Matchbox Twenty came out with a new album today called North, and I'm obsessed. <3Lovelovelovelovelovelove.
Awkwardly signing off,
All my love,
TayMay. <3
Follow me on twitter maybe? https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may
<3
So today school didn't kill me. :P I don't have actual classes til tomorrow, but I'm not all too worried at the moment. My class is getting crazy involved in Homecoming, we're really hoping to win for the third year in a row!! Three-peat!! :))
Quick update on the new meds as well!
Gonna admit, the first few weeks were really rough. But it's almost been a month already, and the side effects are really starting to be more manageable. The only thing I have that I could really complian about (besides the usual aches and pains) is this head-splitting migraine that's nearly constant. But I can handle it for the most part now, and it only gets really bad around an hour after I take my pills!
So, I'm excited for that. :) I have an appointment in a few weeks to check on how my numbers are, so I suppose that will be the actual update of updates. So this was a teaser! OOOO!!
But actually. Haha.
On a different note, Matchbox Twenty came out with a new album today called North, and I'm obsessed. <3Lovelovelovelovelovelove.
Awkwardly signing off,
All my love,
TayMay. <3
Follow me on twitter maybe? https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may
<3
Monday, September 3, 2012
Seeing Love and Light.
"My hope for the days when I feel like I've lost everything."
--Mayday Parade, The Last Something that Ever Meant Anything.
Flashback to a few months ago, maybe around December. It was a chilly Wisconsin night, and I was closing at Quality Foods IGA. It was a pretty slow night. An elderly man came into my line, and after we checked out his whole order, he was about two dollars short.
"Oh, let's take something off then, I don't have the cash," he said.
I looked at him and said, "No, wait, I'll be right back."
I went to my purse and took two dollars out of my wallet and gave it to him. He thanked me a hundreed times probaby, and I told him not to worry about it because it was two dollars, and he went about his merry life or whatever.
Flash forward to this weekend, Saturday when I worked a seven and a half hour shift. After my first thirty minute break, it was kinda slow, so I asked to do whatever else they needed. Felicia, the wonderful girl at the service center (who is one of the most amazing people I know, for the record,) told me to clean the wood around the front end of the store with some orange smelling cleaning stuff. That detail isn't really needed, but maybe the fact it smelled like oranges helps with the imagery?
What? Anyway. So I'm cleaning around the service center, and I made a comment to an older gentleman standing next to me about the Turkey Stamps promotion we're starting this week, and he responded nonchalantly. Then I looked at him and he asked me my name. I told him who I was and he smiled.
"I don't know if you remember me, but a few months back you gave me two dollars..."
"Oh! I do remember you, sir."
He took out some money from his pocket and gave me two dollars.
"I really appriciate you helping me out. Thanks again. You take care."
I told him to keep it, and he wouldn't take it back. He just smiled and left the store.
I love my job mostly for this reason. There is love and light in all people, and I can see it every day working at a gorcery store. I'm probably the dorkiest person there but it isn't for no reason. :)
Well that's about all I've got at the moment, just thought I'd share. Thanks for reading. <3
School starts tomorrow! Be expecting another blog tomorrow when I get home. :)
Awkwardly signing off,
Taylor May.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may
Love love.
--Mayday Parade, The Last Something that Ever Meant Anything.
Flashback to a few months ago, maybe around December. It was a chilly Wisconsin night, and I was closing at Quality Foods IGA. It was a pretty slow night. An elderly man came into my line, and after we checked out his whole order, he was about two dollars short.
"Oh, let's take something off then, I don't have the cash," he said.
I looked at him and said, "No, wait, I'll be right back."
I went to my purse and took two dollars out of my wallet and gave it to him. He thanked me a hundreed times probaby, and I told him not to worry about it because it was two dollars, and he went about his merry life or whatever.
Flash forward to this weekend, Saturday when I worked a seven and a half hour shift. After my first thirty minute break, it was kinda slow, so I asked to do whatever else they needed. Felicia, the wonderful girl at the service center (who is one of the most amazing people I know, for the record,) told me to clean the wood around the front end of the store with some orange smelling cleaning stuff. That detail isn't really needed, but maybe the fact it smelled like oranges helps with the imagery?
What? Anyway. So I'm cleaning around the service center, and I made a comment to an older gentleman standing next to me about the Turkey Stamps promotion we're starting this week, and he responded nonchalantly. Then I looked at him and he asked me my name. I told him who I was and he smiled.
"I don't know if you remember me, but a few months back you gave me two dollars..."
"Oh! I do remember you, sir."
He took out some money from his pocket and gave me two dollars.
"I really appriciate you helping me out. Thanks again. You take care."
I told him to keep it, and he wouldn't take it back. He just smiled and left the store.
I love my job mostly for this reason. There is love and light in all people, and I can see it every day working at a gorcery store. I'm probably the dorkiest person there but it isn't for no reason. :)
Well that's about all I've got at the moment, just thought I'd share. Thanks for reading. <3
School starts tomorrow! Be expecting another blog tomorrow when I get home. :)
Awkwardly signing off,
Taylor May.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may
Love love.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Second Job Struggles.
I'm trying to get a second job, because I want more money.
That's simple enough, right?
Well, I figured it was, but today I actually went out to do what people call "job hunting." But I realized that trecking from store to store, awkwardly asking about applications and if they're hiring, is actually a lot of work.
I got home with at least five applications, and filled out one in store. When I sat down to actually fill them out, I got pretty annoyed. I know that it's all part of the territory, but I just hate having to try and put into words that this would be a second job. As in, an additional job for more hours.
But these people who gave me the applications didn't seem too thrilled. In fact, only one place was actually hiring, the rest were just like "oh well, here's an application, turn it in when you can."
This is so annoying to me, simply because the first job I ever applied for, I got. And I'm still there.
I wish someone would just be like "Hey, wanna work here? Don't worry about explaining your avalibility just yet, or that this will be a second job, or any references. Just here's some money."
I guess the world doesn't work that way.
I know this is the stupidest thing to complain about, because I'm lucky to have a job at all, but I'm just really starting to worry about college and other money related issues I'm going to have to face soon. I really want some type of secruity.
I suppose if all else fails I can beg for more hours at IGA. But I don't know if that's possible, considering all the new people we just hired.
I don't know, this would all be easier if I had someo sort of family member or friend that was like "hey, work here." But I don't.
So grr.
That's all I got folks, so uhh...here's the end of the post.
awkwardly signing off,
Taylor May.<3
Don't forget to follow me on twitter if you want! @Maylor_Tay. and Instagram: @tay_may.
That's simple enough, right?
Well, I figured it was, but today I actually went out to do what people call "job hunting." But I realized that trecking from store to store, awkwardly asking about applications and if they're hiring, is actually a lot of work.
I got home with at least five applications, and filled out one in store. When I sat down to actually fill them out, I got pretty annoyed. I know that it's all part of the territory, but I just hate having to try and put into words that this would be a second job. As in, an additional job for more hours.
But these people who gave me the applications didn't seem too thrilled. In fact, only one place was actually hiring, the rest were just like "oh well, here's an application, turn it in when you can."
This is so annoying to me, simply because the first job I ever applied for, I got. And I'm still there.
I wish someone would just be like "Hey, wanna work here? Don't worry about explaining your avalibility just yet, or that this will be a second job, or any references. Just here's some money."
I guess the world doesn't work that way.
I know this is the stupidest thing to complain about, because I'm lucky to have a job at all, but I'm just really starting to worry about college and other money related issues I'm going to have to face soon. I really want some type of secruity.
I suppose if all else fails I can beg for more hours at IGA. But I don't know if that's possible, considering all the new people we just hired.
I don't know, this would all be easier if I had someo sort of family member or friend that was like "hey, work here." But I don't.
So grr.
That's all I got folks, so uhh...here's the end of the post.
awkwardly signing off,
Taylor May.<3
Don't forget to follow me on twitter if you want! @Maylor_Tay. and Instagram: @tay_may.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Poem Post; End Of Summer.
I'm going to do this more often, I think. Here's a poem I wrote recently, I just thought I'd post it. :)
--
A final summer afternoon fades to a summer night,
and we’re too caught up in the sunset to realize the
crack of lightning, and thunder bellowing out a warning
of a notorious summer night storm, of rain.
My heart is heavy with anticipation, but yet giddy and light.
Like a childhood dance, but with a lot more feeling and a little less innocence.
Something like romance, something like fantasy, something like love.
And like some poorly acted chick flick of a movie,
some kind of storybook dream,
the clouds give way to this huge downpour,
pelting every single thing, including you and I.
Then, in the sudden chill of what was our very own summer afternoon,
soaked to the bone, dripping wet with cool rain,
you take my face in your hands,
look at me for just the right amount of seconds,
and your lips touch mine.
Somehow innocent, somehow fantastical, and more than romantic,
and when you pull away, it hurts more than any other good bye I’ve ever heard, or have had to say.
--
Hope you liked that!
Today wasn't very eventful. I've been reading The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. I read it out loud to my boyfriend and brother while I was camping, and now Aaron wants me to finish is over the pone with him. He's pretty cute and stuff. :)
I also started talking to a girl who was diagnosed with CML this month that is the same age I was when I was diagnosed! I know it sounds really dorky, but I hope I can help her out in the way I wish I could have been when I first got sick.
Anyway, bye then? Like I said, I'll probably post more poems in the future. :)
--
A final summer afternoon fades to a summer night,
and we’re too caught up in the sunset to realize the
crack of lightning, and thunder bellowing out a warning
of a notorious summer night storm, of rain.
My heart is heavy with anticipation, but yet giddy and light.
Like a childhood dance, but with a lot more feeling and a little less innocence.
Something like romance, something like fantasy, something like love.
And like some poorly acted chick flick of a movie,
some kind of storybook dream,
the clouds give way to this huge downpour,
pelting every single thing, including you and I.
Then, in the sudden chill of what was our very own summer afternoon,
soaked to the bone, dripping wet with cool rain,
you take my face in your hands,
look at me for just the right amount of seconds,
and your lips touch mine.
Somehow innocent, somehow fantastical, and more than romantic,
and when you pull away, it hurts more than any other good bye I’ve ever heard, or have had to say.
--
Hope you liked that!
Today wasn't very eventful. I've been reading The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. I read it out loud to my boyfriend and brother while I was camping, and now Aaron wants me to finish is over the pone with him. He's pretty cute and stuff. :)
I also started talking to a girl who was diagnosed with CML this month that is the same age I was when I was diagnosed! I know it sounds really dorky, but I hope I can help her out in the way I wish I could have been when I first got sick.
Anyway, bye then? Like I said, I'll probably post more poems in the future. :)
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Not much to say?
"This Summer is coming to an end, but we're not gonna let that slow us down one bit..."
--Joe Purdy, I Love The Rain The Most.
I honestly have been trying my hardest to be positive about this new school year. I've been alternating between excitement and dread, and I can't just get over the fact that this summer is over.
I know that my constant bitching really isn't gonna change the fact that I have to go back to that God awful place, but I just can't stop complaining. I'm annoying even myself. Ha. :P
And I still don't have a laptop, so it's gonna be sparatic posts for a little longer. Ha. Not like a lot of people see this anyway. but if there is anyone who actually does read this and care, I promise I'll try to make it a bit more intresting soon.
the last three days I was camping with my brother, boyfriend, and dad. And I had a lot of fun. And I'm getting used to my meds. Other than that, I haven't really much to say.
Oh! I got a twitter. :P @Maylor_Tay follow me if you want I suppose. I'm also on instagram, @tay_may.
So...bye? I'm the worst at send offs.
--Taylor May.
--Joe Purdy, I Love The Rain The Most.
I honestly have been trying my hardest to be positive about this new school year. I've been alternating between excitement and dread, and I can't just get over the fact that this summer is over.
I know that my constant bitching really isn't gonna change the fact that I have to go back to that God awful place, but I just can't stop complaining. I'm annoying even myself. Ha. :P
And I still don't have a laptop, so it's gonna be sparatic posts for a little longer. Ha. Not like a lot of people see this anyway. but if there is anyone who actually does read this and care, I promise I'll try to make it a bit more intresting soon.
the last three days I was camping with my brother, boyfriend, and dad. And I had a lot of fun. And I'm getting used to my meds. Other than that, I haven't really much to say.
Oh! I got a twitter. :P @Maylor_Tay follow me if you want I suppose. I'm also on instagram, @tay_may.
So...bye? I'm the worst at send offs.
--Taylor May.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Catch Up Time.
Hey there.
So I started the new meds.
They're kinda mean. And by kinda mean, I mean the first week I was in a crazy amount of pain. Like I honest have never hurt so much in my life. They give me head splitting migraine-like headaches. It's not a good time to say the least. But I'm really trying to stay positive with these!! :) I'm told that the really bad side effects will subside, and I can't wait for that to happen, because I have to go to school soon.
School. Oh god.
I don't want to do this year. I don't want to be a senior. After waiting this long to be, all of a sudden, I'm terrified. In the words of Jason Mraz, "I almost don't wanna know anything about those things." I am so scared that I will have to struggle through everything to get to do what I want, as I've already done to decide which road to take. All I want to do now is skip to the good part where I'm teaching kids to write and reading essays and being like the English teachers I've always looked up to and admired. But I've gotta wait like....four ish years...
Hurrah. :)
I'll try to post more frequently. The next thing I'm going to be saving up for is a laptop, and that'll make it way easier to post at least every week is not every day. :) Thanks for reading? haha I'm the worst at good byes.
So I started the new meds.
They're kinda mean. And by kinda mean, I mean the first week I was in a crazy amount of pain. Like I honest have never hurt so much in my life. They give me head splitting migraine-like headaches. It's not a good time to say the least. But I'm really trying to stay positive with these!! :) I'm told that the really bad side effects will subside, and I can't wait for that to happen, because I have to go to school soon.
School. Oh god.
I don't want to do this year. I don't want to be a senior. After waiting this long to be, all of a sudden, I'm terrified. In the words of Jason Mraz, "I almost don't wanna know anything about those things." I am so scared that I will have to struggle through everything to get to do what I want, as I've already done to decide which road to take. All I want to do now is skip to the good part where I'm teaching kids to write and reading essays and being like the English teachers I've always looked up to and admired. But I've gotta wait like....four ish years...
Hurrah. :)
I'll try to post more frequently. The next thing I'm going to be saving up for is a laptop, and that'll make it way easier to post at least every week is not every day. :) Thanks for reading? haha I'm the worst at good byes.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Meow.
I meow a lot. It's kinda stupid, seeing as I'm not a cat, but it's just one of those things I do.
Another thing I do is work at IGA near my house. I'm a cashier. I love it so much! We recently hired new employees, and today at work I think I sufficently made an ass of myself.
But actually, I'm just trying to be nice and welcome the new comers, but I'm just kinda obnoxious. Well maybe. I just love my job so much, Im a super nerd about it...anyway.
I got thirty minutes cut from my five hour shift because it was so slow! Which is bogus, bc there was a mix up in the schedule and I have zero hours this coming week, and I'm going to Texas to visit my family from the 11th through the 19th. So...two weeks without a paycheck? Yupp. So poor. :(
Oh well, once school starts I'll get more hours. Plus when I turn 18 in December I hope to get another job as a waitress somewhere. :)
Anyway. That's all I got for now I guess. <3 Love love. :)
Another thing I do is work at IGA near my house. I'm a cashier. I love it so much! We recently hired new employees, and today at work I think I sufficently made an ass of myself.
But actually, I'm just trying to be nice and welcome the new comers, but I'm just kinda obnoxious. Well maybe. I just love my job so much, Im a super nerd about it...anyway.
I got thirty minutes cut from my five hour shift because it was so slow! Which is bogus, bc there was a mix up in the schedule and I have zero hours this coming week, and I'm going to Texas to visit my family from the 11th through the 19th. So...two weeks without a paycheck? Yupp. So poor. :(
Oh well, once school starts I'll get more hours. Plus when I turn 18 in December I hope to get another job as a waitress somewhere. :)
Anyway. That's all I got for now I guess. <3 Love love. :)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Grrr.
Just recently I have been trying to cut out one of the thingsw in my life that I love more than anything- Music and performing.
I left the band I was lead singer of, I didn;t audition for one of my favorite shows that was being put on by a local arts company, stuff like that.
And now...i'm fully realizing that I absolutely cannot live without being on stage in some way.
I want more than anything to persue this, to live this, to eat sleep and breathe musical theater...but my health makes it impossible for me to live and actor's unstable life...
UGH. I am so sick of having the same stupid thoughts all the time. I'm just tired of having to jump through hoops and then feeling like I should be doing somehting else.
I for sure have to switch medication, I have an appointment with my oncologist this coming Tuesday. Joy of joys. I just hope that I feel better on new medication.
I was just feeling so hopeful and excited for the future, and then this hit me like a frieght train. Ugh.
I'm just going to listen to John Mayer til I fall asleep.
I left the band I was lead singer of, I didn;t audition for one of my favorite shows that was being put on by a local arts company, stuff like that.
And now...i'm fully realizing that I absolutely cannot live without being on stage in some way.
I want more than anything to persue this, to live this, to eat sleep and breathe musical theater...but my health makes it impossible for me to live and actor's unstable life...
UGH. I am so sick of having the same stupid thoughts all the time. I'm just tired of having to jump through hoops and then feeling like I should be doing somehting else.
I for sure have to switch medication, I have an appointment with my oncologist this coming Tuesday. Joy of joys. I just hope that I feel better on new medication.
I was just feeling so hopeful and excited for the future, and then this hit me like a frieght train. Ugh.
I'm just going to listen to John Mayer til I fall asleep.
Monday, July 30, 2012
First Blog.
Hello! My name is Taylor May, I'm 17, I'm going into my senior year of highschool. I don't really know what to put here...I feel like this may go absolutely terribly, but I just had to try and get my thoughts organized and I figured they're alright enough to be public ones.
I've been battling Chronic Myleiod Leukemia for two and a half years now, which is probably the majority of what I will complain about. Recently, we have been trying to decide if we will be switching medications. The meds I'm on now are causeing some nasty side effects, and we've messed with the dosage enough to figure out that it's just not the drug for me. Right now I'm terrified of the uncertainty of my future medication. Torn! Inner turmoil! Drama!
Hope this qualifies as a blog post. ;)
I've been battling Chronic Myleiod Leukemia for two and a half years now, which is probably the majority of what I will complain about. Recently, we have been trying to decide if we will be switching medications. The meds I'm on now are causeing some nasty side effects, and we've messed with the dosage enough to figure out that it's just not the drug for me. Right now I'm terrified of the uncertainty of my future medication. Torn! Inner turmoil! Drama!
Hope this qualifies as a blog post. ;)
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