When September Ends

I started this year with a new found motivation. And this new found motivation is slowly fading to this dull feeling of apathy.
I honestly need more time in the day to do all the things I need to/want to. As much as I love being in the show, it's really adding a lot of stress at the moment, because I have to go straight to work after rehearsal most nights, and then I work until ten, and I get home and stay up until all my homework is done. And that's usually pretty late.
I know I'll get through it though, it's just these few months that are going to be tough. But there's another show that I can try out for coming up. Audition dates are literally three days after we close. At this point, I don't think I'd be able to do it. Do I want to? Of course. But with my health the way it is, and the fact that my grades are really important to me this year, I don't think I can have this hectic of a schedule for another three months after this show is over.

This month was a bunch of lasts all strung together. The start of my last year of highschool, the audition and the start of my last highschool musical, and my last homecoming week of highschool. It's all a little bittersweet, but emphasis on the sweet. I honestly wake up every day and think of how amazing it will be when June is finally here. But it's still frightening, because of the uncertainty of my future. I try to just take it one day at a time (and those of you who know me know how tough that is for me.)

In other news, I'm going to be starting a vlog soon on youtube. :) I'm going to be talking about life with a chronic illness, and how to stay positive in a time of crisis, with bits about my life in it too. I'm really excited about it, so I hope if you read my blog you'll watch it! right now I just have some videos of me singing on my Youtube account, but I'll link it at the end anyway. :)

Thanks fo reading! Lots of love.

Taylor May <3

@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram
http://www.youtube.com/user/TMaylor?feature=mhee

Chronic.

For the record, this one could get a little nasty, please know that I'm not mad at anyone, but at the situation I've been put in.
And that I am still trying to be positive when it comes down to it, I just need to rant for a second.
Okay, here we go.

If you want to judge me, go ahead, but you have no idea how hard I try. Some people say that what I'm going through really isn't that big of a deal, and I do try to make it seem that way. I don't want to make people feel sorry for me and I don't want to be defined by my illness. Every day I do my best to get up and put a smile on my face, and be strong for myself and for the people who care about me.

But today, I realized that no matter how strong I am, no matter how positive I am- though it makes things a little easier sometimes- I'll never be free from my disease. We talked to a Bone Marrow Transplant specialist today at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, and he filled in the details I was fuzzy about with a transplant. Was I expecting it to be an easy fix? No. Don't get me wrong, I know full well that any type of transplant is no walk in the park, but I thought maybe it could be something concrete. Instead, I'm told there is a very high chance that I would end up with a different, vicious chronic illness, called GVHD, or Graft Vs Host Disease, or that I wouldn't make it through the transplant.

And these things were things I knew, too. But it just hit me today what this actually means. Why would I chance going through that entire ordeal just to be stuck back in the same situation, with a disease I can't get rid of for the rest of forever? When, lets be honest, as long as the pills are working I should be fine.

That's what I'm told at least. But what no one can tell me is what these medications, usually given to adults, considering this is an adult disease, are going to do to me in the long run. Medical science hasn't gotten that far yet. So that's no fun. Well, that, and the fact that they're so expensive, pretty much no Pharmacy wants to carry them. We have to get them sent to us special from the Children's Pharmacy or something like that. How the hell am I going to pay for this medication when I'm on my own? Most people who get this are in thier fifties and sixties, with thier lives all planned already and set into motion, with familes already, careers already. I don't have that luxury.

And I understand that no one has control over their lives, and that we're all subject to fate or God's plan for us, or whatever, but I still sit here and think about the fact that I don't even know where I'll be in a yar, let alone five, and I can't do anything about it, and I didn't do anything for my life to be this way. And I know it's not fair, and that no one's life is. But COME on. This is all so overwhelming right now, I can't breathe sometimes.

And I try so hard not to show it, because I really don't want people to feel bad for me, or compare their struggles to mine. Because we all are going through something. But I hear such stupid bullshit, and rumors about what people have said about me in the past, and I just can't stand it. All I want to do is love people. I don't want sympathy, or for this disease to be the first thing people think of when they see me.

All I want is the answers no one can give me. But, for now, I guess I'll just sit and take in the fact that chronic is pretty much the same thing as forever and ever.

Screw this.

I love you. I'm sorry.
Taylor May.

@Maylor_Tay on Twitter
@tay_may on Instagram

Spoke Too Soon?

So, school doesn't suck persay.
But it is starting to get very stressful to be in a show, and have a job, and have a senior amount of homework...I'm learning how to manage my time. and function on little sleep, and I feel like a grown up and everything. Hurrah.

Now onto my freak out of the week: tomorrow I'm applying for college. I'm excited to do it, because it means so much is going to happen for me, and I'm pumped to be an adult...but I don't have a lot of money. My parents aren't going to be able to help me out much, either. And I know for a fact that I can save a lot, LOT of money if I spend my first two years at a the UW Marathon County extension. But there's part of me that is just so put off to the idea of living here for two more years...I just want new, new people, new place, new everything. But that in itself is a terrifying thought at the same time. I can't imagine getting settled in and all this new freedom hitting me harder than I expected, but I do want independence.

Let's be honest, I'm going to end up having to spend two years here. Because that's how my life usually works. I get all excited for somehing and I end up having to do it the opposite way for a while before I get to what I actually want. And sorry to be a little negative, but that kinds sucks a hell of a lot.

I dunno, I'm also going to look into what scholarships, if any, I can get as a student with a chronic illness. I'm praying a lot. we'll see though, and I'll keep you guys posted.

All right that's about all I got to bitch about tonight, sorry this one's kinda angry and negative. Lovelove. <3
Awkwardly signing off:
TayMay.
@Maylor_Tay on Twitter,
@tay_may on instagram. :)

School Doesn't Suck.

"Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does."
--Ben Folds Five, Still Fighting It.

School is going surprisingly well. I just got back a little bit ago from callbacks for my senior musical. My school is doing Children of Eden. I'm anxious to see the castlist, and so me and some of my senior friends are waking up mega early to wait for it to be posted...I'm probably going to hate myself tomorrow I'll be so tired, but ohh well I suppose. It is my last show, after all.

But my classes aren't very challenging, I have time to actually get my homework done, I'm getting some pretty decent hours at work, too. Instead of getting a second job after I turn 18, I'm going to double up at IGA and do both stocking and cashiering. This way I can get double the hours at the same place, as opposed to getting less hours at IGA to get some hours somewhere else...could I have said "hours" enough in that sentence... no. Hours.

I am tired today. I might have jinxed the new meds or something by being so excited about the way I was feeling, because this week has been pretty tough again. But I'm powering through. Smiles, everyone!

Well, that's about all. read my last post for a little poem-y poem. <3

Love, Taylor May. <3

@Maylor_Tay:Twitter
@tay_may:Instagram.

Poem post #2.

Enjoy. :)
 

---
My Way

I was the kid to always try
to shove the square peg into the round hole.
Forcing plastic on plastic, where it just wouldn’t fit.

And I knew full well that square
went with square
and that the stupid toy wouldn’t fit.
But still I threw a tantrum,
and likewise, the toy,
after I tried it “my way” for a while.

I made every effort to do it the wrong way,
working around what I knew had to be done.
Getting upset when I found the right way
was truly the only way.
the obvious way
was the way that worked.

Wouldn’t it have been easier
to just put circle with circle,
and square with square?
A teacher told me once, “to avoid frustration is to avoid learning.”
Another told me
“Insanity is when you do the same thing
over and over again
and expect a different result.”
---

Who Am I?

I had to write an essay about who I am as a writer, and this is draft one of that.
Let me know what you think!
<3 TayMay.
--

 

Hi, I’m Taylor May, I’m a Writer and I’m Going to Tell You Who I Am as a Writer; Synonymical With Nerd

I’ve always been fascinated by words, and the feelings that can lie behind them. I love that words can be manipulated and tamed into free flowing, thought provoking, and possibly world altering ideas that can spark something so fantastic, that the whole world takes notice.

In other words, I’m a nerd. A huge one. I didn’t realize truly how amazing writing was until I read through some of the work of my late grandmother. Her words are so powerful, and so meaningful, and so amazing, that it inspired me to try it out for myself. I’ve been writing terrible poems since about seventh grade, using it as a way to vent all my prepubescent “deep” thoughts. I rarely if ever showed these to anyone, until sophomore year when I was told about the LitMag. I reluctantly submitted my work, which looking back on it, I can’t believe any of it got in. However, it did, and it was after this that I started honing my skill every day of the second semester in the composium, editing poems and essays with Mr. Cepress.
I realized then that you can write essays outside of school assignments, poems don’t have to rhyme, raw feelings are the best kind, poems can have drafts, and there is absolutely no shame in only having one useable line after drafting that poem a dozen or more times.
But, who am I as a writer? I write because I’m a coward. Because it’s easier to write something down and say it doesn’t mean anything, than it is to say it out loud knowing it means everything. I write because it comes easier to me than sports. I write because I think metaphors are the coolest ever. I write because I love how a word can mean different things to different people, and I write because those feelings, meanings, and overall perspectives should be shared.

As a writer, I feel my biggest strength is finding inspiration in literally everything. Writing has helped me to open my eyes and actually see things around me that I never would have before. The world is really a beautiful thing when eyes are open and mouths are shut, I’ve come to find. But those mouths can’t stay shut, and that’s where writing is pretty handy.

But not every poem has come easily to me. As I said, there are times when I have more drafts than I ever imagined before something is any good. It may be because of this, and my want to be respected as a writer, that I constantly beat myself up about my ability. I want to get better, and I know this will only come through practice. But, this practice time comes with getting stuck on things; examples of this would be not being able to find the perfect metaphor to describe a feeling, or word something the way I want to.

All in all, though, it’s hard for me to answer “who are you as a writer?” because the answer lies in the question. I just am a writer. Which, as I’m sure you all know, is a word synonymical with nerd.
--

Thanks for reading this far! Haha follow @Maylor_Tay on twitter if you want. Love love. :) <3
   

Update of Updates.

Oh hey guys.
So today school didn't kill me. :P I don't have actual classes til tomorrow, but I'm not all too worried at the moment. My class is getting crazy involved in Homecoming, we're really hoping to win for the third year in a row!! Three-peat!! :))

Quick update on the new meds as well!
Gonna admit, the first few weeks were really rough. But it's almost been a month already, and the side effects are really starting to be more manageable. The only thing I have that I could really complian about (besides the usual aches and pains) is this head-splitting migraine that's nearly constant. But I can handle it for the most part now, and it only gets really bad around an hour after I take my pills!
So, I'm excited for that. :) I have an appointment in a few weeks to check on how my numbers are, so I suppose that will be the actual update of updates. So this was a teaser! OOOO!!

But actually. Haha.

On a different note, Matchbox Twenty came out with a new album today called North, and I'm obsessed. <3Lovelovelovelovelovelove.

Awkwardly signing off,
All my love,
TayMay. <3
Follow me on twitter maybe? https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may
<3

Seeing Love and Light.

"My hope for the days when I feel like I've lost everything."
          --Mayday Parade, The Last Something that Ever Meant Anything.

Flashback to a few months ago, maybe around December. It was a chilly Wisconsin night, and I was closing at Quality Foods IGA. It was a pretty slow night. An elderly man came into my line, and after we checked out his whole order, he was about two dollars short.
"Oh, let's take something off then, I don't have the cash," he said.
I looked at him and said, "No, wait, I'll be right back."
I went to my purse and took two dollars out of my wallet and gave it to him. He thanked me a hundreed times probaby, and I told him not to worry about it because it was two dollars, and he went about his merry life or whatever.

Flash forward to this weekend, Saturday when I worked a seven and a half hour shift. After my first thirty minute break, it was kinda slow, so I asked to do whatever else they needed. Felicia, the wonderful girl at the service center (who is one of the most amazing people I know, for the record,) told me to clean the wood around the front end of the store with some orange smelling cleaning stuff. That detail isn't really needed, but maybe the fact it smelled like oranges helps with the imagery?

What? Anyway. So I'm cleaning around the service center, and I made a comment to an older gentleman standing next to me about the Turkey Stamps promotion we're starting this week, and he responded nonchalantly. Then I looked at him and he asked me my name. I told him who I was and he smiled.
"I don't know if you remember me, but a few months back you gave me two dollars..."
"Oh! I do remember you, sir."
He took out some money from his pocket and gave me two dollars.
"I really appriciate you helping me out. Thanks again. You take care."
I told him to keep it, and he wouldn't take it back. He just smiled and left the store.

I love my job mostly for this reason. There is love and light in all people, and I can see it every day working at a gorcery store. I'm probably the dorkiest person there but it isn't for no reason. :)

Well that's about all I've got at the moment, just thought I'd share. Thanks for reading. <3
School starts tomorrow! Be expecting another blog tomorrow when I get home. :)

Awkwardly signing off,
Taylor May.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Maylor_Tay
Instagram: tay_may

Love love.