Hi, I'm Taylor May.

Hi, I'm Taylor May.
"Give me a chance to prove I am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts."

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

cancerversary.

I don't really know what to say. Three years ago today, I got sick.
This isn't really a celebration, but more of a realization. This is just another day in my life, another milestone, another thing I just have to deal with.

This illness doesn't define me, but it is part of who I am. It affects every aspect of my life, if I want it to or not. And after three years, I still don't know how to feel about it. When people tell me I'm strong, I just thank them, but I don't really see myself that way. I do what I have to do. And so far, I haven't had to do any of this alone. I have support from family, friends, and CML groups.

And now, going into my adult years, I can't even imagine what my future holds for me. I'm terrified, to say the least. For the life of me, I can't help but think of this illness with every choice I make. I can't help but feel like a burden, or worry about money, or health insurance- because these are things that come along with this illness. I'll never be able to get away from them.

But at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am today without this. To be honest, I've grown and changed so much in these past three years. I've been hurt, but it taught me how to love. I've been stupid, but it made me smart. I've been unrealistic, but it made me realistic. I've been to hell and back again, but now- through the pain and the changes and the burden - now I feel like I'm just where I need to be.

I just hope God, who had to have planned this all out, knows what He is doing. Because at this point, I have no idea. I'm at a crossroads- not quite an adult, but no longer a child. And I'm scared.

Three years have gone by, here's to many more.

Love,

Taylor May.

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Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Day in The Life

The other day, a classmate of mine was coughing a whole lot. Like, coughing fits. Like, obviously not healthy.

She got sent to the nurse, and before she left, I just sort of said "Heyyy...if they put you on antibiotics, let me know, because I'll probably have to take them too."

Turns out I have to take antibiotics for whooping cough/bronchitis..even though I don't have it!

Funny how that works out. Because of my surpressed immune system, I can't ever risk exposure to this kind of illness...this is the second time I've had to be medicated for this specific illness. The first time, I hugged a little girl who was diagnosed with it three days after. Freaked my oncologist out a TON. #cancerkidprobs!!

I can laugh about this a little, which I guess is good. It's funny how things work out like this. But its times like these that I remember: I'm sick. Illnesses like this are life threatening to me. It's like a bit of a wake up call, I suppose.

In the meantime, I've been stull juggling what to do about school, and have been working a lot of extra shifts (luckily because the hours they gave me without them are kinda crappy).

I turn 18 on Sunday. Is this real life?

I love you guys. <3

Taylor May

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Ten Minutes.

This morning, when I was half arguing with my mother about nearly being late for school, she said something that surprised and offended me.

"I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school."

I don't really understand the problem with my quick preparation time. It's true that, without a shower (don't worry, I showered last night guys) it takes approximately ten minutes for me to get ready and out the door in the morning. I put on clothes, I brush my hair, brush my teeth, and I'm done. I don't see who it really affects besides me.

I'm more surprised, in fact, when people say that they take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning. No offense to those of you that do, because you all look very pretty/handsome, but I think that is just as weird of a claim to make as "I can't believe it takes you ten minutes to get ready for high school." I could just as easily say "I can't believe it takes you over ten minutes to get ready for high school."

The other part of that statement that caught me off guard was "for high school." It wouldn't matter if it was high school or junior high, I've never taken that long to get ready for anything, let alone school. But, I'll admit, as the year has gone on, I have lost interest in things like makeup and clothes. That's an expensive hobby to keep! And I would think that mother would be proud of me to not spend money on trivial (at least to me, again, if that's what you like to do then that's awesome!) things. So, I guess if I had unlimited money, or really any extra money at all, I would take over ten minutes to get ready in the morning.

But either way, I was ready this morning when I usually leave for school. And I feel that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life

On occasion I've been asked, "what's your most embarrassing moment?"

I've never really been able to think of anything, because I am a very weird individual and very confident in this fact. However, that changed this week.

I have this English teacher who is my absolute favorite, who has helped me decide what I'm going to do with my life and realize that words have meaning and power. We have become very close over the past three years of my high school career, because I make him edit my poems all the time, and I am very comfortable with him. In a computer lab at our school (where I spend a lot of my free time), we have two additional laptops instead of two extra computers, because with the addition people in classes on average, we need more computers than our school had budgeted for. *That's an entirely different blog/rant.* But anyway, one of these (surprise surprise) is not fully functioning, and needs to have a mouse attachment, since the touch pad mouse is broken.


My teacher always connects the mouse to the wrong lap top, the non-broken one. Because of this, I came into the lab and saw a post it saying "Mouse is broken" on the lap top. I got all huffy and took the note off of the computer, and marched (basically, and those of you who know me will know that it really could be nothing less) to my teacher's room to tell him that he was incorrect.

"You always put the mouse on the wrong computer!" I exclaimed, without any sort of greeting before.
"It's the black one, right?" he responded.
"No, babe, no it's the silver one..."

I realized what I said, but it was too late. I stammered something else to try and cover my term-of-endearment-slip-up, but it was probably not heard by him over his laughter. He said something else to me, but I was trying my best to stammer other things and just get outta dodge. Honestly, I don't think I could have been more shades, or a darker, color red.

I went back to the lab, and relayed the story to my best friend in the whole wide world, who laughed at me (as I knew she would.) To try and fix things, and be ironic, by writing a small haiku. I titled it, "When a Habit Becomes an Awkward Instance."


That awkward moment
when one calls their teacher "babe"
really
is awkward.

I put it on his desk, and pretty much ran away before he could get back with a note on it saying "can you edit this for me? :) "

Later in the day, when I actually had his class, he assured me that everything was fine with a note in a folder from UW-Stevens Point.

I still was, and sort of am, horrified. He must think I'm in love with him. I'm not. I call everyone hon or sweetie or babe or dear, and most of the time, mean nothing by it.

So that's the most embarrassing moment of my life. Thank you for reading the entire thing. and please don't judge me too much.

All in all, this week was better than the last.

Love you,
Taylor May.
 
Maylor_Tay on twitter
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Sunday, December 2, 2012

"World Peace."

I remember when I was a little girl, and my godfather was fighting in Iraq, and on my christmas list, the first thing I put was "George to come home," and "world peace."

Even at a young age, I was obsessed with everyone loving one another and getting along. But as I get older, I realize that this is next to impossible. Everything I learn in school, and see on the news, shows me that ignorance and intolerance plauges every country in the world. There is absolutely nothing that can take these things away.

I don't understand why people can't look at this world and realize that, obviously, things aren't working. There is so much hate and killing, and poverty, and I lose sleep at night thinking about all of it. I'm overwhelmed by it.

Imagine how amazing the world would be if people put their energies toward good, all the time, every day. I know that there are some poeple who already do this, and groups who are making a difference in America and elsewhere, and I have so much hope and love for these groups. I wish I could do what they do.

But I think what amazes me the most is the apathy that we show as a country toward other countries problems. I just got done watching an hour long video on the attacks in Mumbai, India in 2008. That was a horrifying incident, but it's only one example of the horrible things happening in other places in the world. Every day, there are people murdered, sold into slavery, starving to death, persecuted, executed, with nothing. It makes me sick. But those things, for whatever reason, don't make the news. Instead all I see are pointless stories in the headlines, and supid puff-pieces on the morning news. What about human nature makes us so self centered like this? What is it that makes us so ignorant?

No, human nature does not make us ignorant. Ignorance and intolerance are rooted in hate, which is a learned practice. My children will not be taught hate. They will accept everyone, like family. No matter their race, sexual orientation, whatever.

This turned into a rant, but I guess what I'm trying to say is the only way world peace could ever tuly be possible is if we do something to change it. It could start small- the way we treat one another, for example. If we love, it can make a difference.

So please, I beg you, love one another.

Taylor May

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