I Think God Talked To Me Today.

I have been going through a really rough time with my faith lately, but I think it's starting to turn around.

Believe what you want to believe, but in the last few weeks I have been struggling a lot. It's really hard for me to believe in a God that lets awful stuff happen. I see so much pain and hurt everywhere and it breaks my heart. I just feel like if God loves us so much, then He should do something about all this stupidity.

(And don't even get me started on who goes to hell and who doesn't because that's a whole different thing.)

Today, I was taking a walk and I wrote the following poem.

--
The Pavement and I

Walking and breathing in cool air,
icicles that I invite into my lungs.
The sky above me is nearly dark,
clouded and numb.
I talk to myself, and the rains that I know will fall in the Spring to come.
And I ask my Father
to lead the way, to light my path,
because a lot of what's ahead of me is black.

--

And then I felt a raindrop on my face.
In the middle of Wisconsin Spring/Winter, I felt a raindrop.
I think that was an apology.

I was walking on thin ice the way it was before. On this water that I've been given, I guess. And all along, God has been freezing it more and more to hold my weight. But then, He didn't.
And I don't mean to say He's failed me, but I guess He just wanted me to know what it's like to swim against a current. We all get our fair share of it. And it sucked. And still does. And I might feel like I'm drowning, but  I think I'm going to get out of this all right eventually. I'm just treading water right now.

I love you guys.

Taylor May.

Week of Drama.

Holy crap. I am not one for drama, or handling things well, but this week just takes the cake for the stupidest week ever.

Let's just talk about one stupid aspect of it for now, though.

After being upset and worrying for almost four months that my health insurance wouldn't allow me to see my oncologist anymore (not because I'm 18, I can be at Children's Hospital til I'm 21 technically) my mother looked into it and the insurance will cover another visit. I was super excited because I wanted at least one more appointment with Doctor Tower (my oncologist). I told dad that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, and he got mad because he's convinced that insurance won't cover it, and he doesn't agree with me going.
What actually sucks about this is that I have had to stand up for myself going to this doctor for three years now. My grandparents and my dad have always told me that I should go somewhere closer. These people have no idea what kind of connection you have with someone who saves your life. I cannot begin to explain how much my oncologist means to me. He always asks what shows I'm in or what I'm doing with singing, hell, we gave him a Without Excuse CD and everything. But my father doesn't think he cares about me or anything I do at all. I guess I can't expect him to understand just as much as I can't expect anyone to.
But he's so mad that he says he's "done" and doesn't want me to be at his house. What?
Let me tell you another reason I am terrified to switch oncologists. Doctor Tower has been with me since day one. He knows everything about my journey, and what got me to where I am. He understands my frustrations and I know I'm not just a number to him. I feel like anywhere I go here in the area, the doctor will treat me like every other patient and not actually care.

I just want one more appointment. All of this is so stupid. There shouldn't be this much drama around one more appointment.

Ugh.

Understanding.

Rant time. Prepare yourselves, continue at your own risk.

So I've been thinking a lot about my illness lately, and how I am about being sick. To be honest, I feel that I have gotten a little bit more open complaining about side effects and other things, and I think that might be because of the exposure I've given myself with this, just with blogging and twitter and whatever else.
And I am sorry about that. I know there are people out there who look up to me as this strong person, and I feel like I let them down anytime I talk about an ache or pain.

Overall though, what I realized today (more than any other day) is that there are people who will want to understand me and accept me for how I am, this sick kid trying to make everything be okay for everyone around her. And there will be people (who I have already come in contact with) who will be the opposite of that. and judge the way I handle things, and talk badly about how I deal with the things I'm feeling and have to go through.
The fact of the matter is, neither party will ever understand this.
And the other fact is that they don't have to.
I am mostly alone in this. And I don't mean that I don't get any support, because I know I do. I just mean that the deep down stuff about being sick? About going through all of this? That's all me.

To the people who judge the way I am, I'm sorry. I'm still learning how to live with this and how to deal in the appropriate way. But in the long run, what does it matter to you if I get a little pessimistic about this illness sometimes? It's my burden to bear and I suppose I'll do my best to keep you out of it.

To the people who love me and are trying to understand, I honestly love you for doing that. You are angels and I don't mean to offend you by saying you'll never understand because I say it in the most loving way possible, and I honestly don't expect you to.

I am always willing to talk about being sick, honestly with anyone. Like I said, I'm still learning, but thank you for the love and support you already give me. <3

I love you and I will always answer any questions you have. :)

Taylor May.

@Maylor_Tay on twitter.